Nearly every action is aimless…

Filed under: — site admin @ 10:24 am

A scant 100 miles from the coast of the United States in his effort to row across the Atlantic ocean, Emmanuel Coindre called his mommy, who called the French coast guard. They contacted the US coast guard, resulting in Emmanuel’s rescue.

Not everyone is so lucky, though. Steven Michael Sellers ran into the man himself while driving drunk and found himself in critical condition. Bruce Campbell suffered only minor injuries.

At least Steven didn’t own a bull terrier, an unfortunate condition for a now deceased Moscow man who required immediate medical attention. The snarling beast kept medical workers at bay until it was shot by police. By then, the man had died.

It may be better that a life is lost than several lives wasted, as is the case in northern Mexico, where scores of locals will set out to construct a million piece jigsaw puzzle on a dry creek bed over the course of four months. Hope for rain.

Not everything we do is pointless. The Koalas in Mount Eccles National Park in Australia will be given the means to enjoy consequence free sexual experimentation, as Koalas have begun to outstrip their food supply. In the United States, we generally just shoot the species in question.


Elephants : Large piles of manure :: Modern judicial systems :

Filed under: — site admin @ 11:45 am

Proving that the mass effect of modern judicial systems is the abortive expression of our species’ utter futility, jurors in Los Angeles could not find former officer Jeremy Morse guilty of police brutality that was caught on video-tape. District Attorney Steve Cooley is apparently such a nitwit that he may not muster the resolve to seek a retrial. Of course, there are more pressing issues to consider in California, such as the use of symbols that bear similarity to roadway markings on billboards featuring nudity. One has to wonder why California is in a budget crisis…

Showing the west coast how to solve problems is Bartow, Florida resident Karen Abe, who chained her sons to their beds to keep them out of trouble. Unfortunately, the courts interfered in what was an otherwise perfect parenting solution…

Once in a long while, the United States fails to exhibit the most pitiable obliquity that the human race has to offer. Today, that trophy goes to the court of Moss, Norway, who failed to convict an Oslo man of driving while intoxicated because he was under the influence of alcohol when he confessed. That a blood test registered alcohol levels above that at which one would begin to show the effects of alcohol poisoning was apparently insufficient evidence.


Items down the toilet: perspicacity, decency, society…

Filed under: — site admin @ 12:22 pm

In a showing of gross inefficiency and stupidity, the Royal Bank of Scotland offered Monty, a pet dog, a gold card with a spending limit of ten-thousand pounds. For those of you who don’t want to bother with the conversion, that’s about sixteen-thousand dollars, US.

Hardly an organization to be out-guttered by any other, Fox will air 101 Things Removed from the Human Body this Thursday. Essentially, it amounts to “When objects impale people”. Set your Tivo.

Still, the real expositor of the decline of society comes to us from (who else?) the executive branch of the government of the United States of America. Pentagon officials have set up a stock-market style trading system for terror attack predictions. Essentially, investors will play a terror-futures market. It brings all new meaning to the phrase “insider trading”

Child rearing errors of past and present…

Filed under: — site admin @ 12:03 pm

Sitting on the border between misdeed and genius are the actions of former Metrodome superintendent Dick Ericson, who would alter the settings of the dome’s ventilation systems late in Minnesota Twins baseball games, with the hope of having an effect on the outcome. “It’s your home-field advantage. Every stadium has got one.” It seems like Dick missed out on a moral upbringing.

From the this guy just needs a mommy department come the acts of a Tokyo burlar who broke into the houses of women and made them cook for him. Not to be classified as entirely stupid, he also took their money, but it seems like he just wanted a home-cooked meal.

Far less explainable is the in-flight streaking, perpetrated by an off-duty Singapore Airlines steward, who is now under psychiatric care. It seems that there could be no explanation other than inadequate parenting, or psychotropic chemicals.

It is almost assured that the Star Wars Kid, Ghyslian Raza will serve as the clay necessary to be moulded into the focal point of one of the stories listed above, but his parents have taken his upbringing to an all time low with lawsuits directed at the families of the kids who distributed the videos in the first place. Cogratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Raza, you’re doing the worst job imaginable.

Of course, there is German three-year-old who wrecked the same car twice in four days, or the seven-year-old who is addicted to pornography. His grandfather thought that he was too young to understand what was going on. By the age of three, the boy was watching porn while fondling himself.

Mr. and Mrs. Raza, we offer our sincerest apologies. You may continue to lower the bar.


Nature is cool when left alone, or messed with…

Filed under: — site admin @ 1:28 pm

A clever marketing ploy has increased visitorship to the zoo in Mendoza by 50%. Veternarians at the zoo sprayed Pelusa, a 395-pound, 23-year-old female polar bear with a treatment for her dermatitis. The spray has turned her fur a frighteningly uniform shade of purple, a condition that should be corrected within the next two months.

Messing with nature is something that we do very well, but we see even cooler results when we leverage nature to make pretty pictures, as researchers at Georgia’s Institute of Technology, Atlanta and the University of Western Australia, Perth did when they set fifty-thousand rat neurons loose in a petri dish and began letting them learn how to draw on a piece of paper half-way around the globe.

This technology will, no doubt, find uses for farmers in Taiwan who have been plagued by crazy monkeys. The monkeys have taken to playing with chickens, abusing dogs, and assaulting goats. One has to wonder if they shouldn’t give up on their farms and let nature take its course.

The natural course of things has a way of producing breathtaking structures and events.

It also grabs people who can’t seem to let go of the idea of Mars hosting little green men.

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