It’s either sickeningly sad or sadly sickening…

Filed under: — site admin @ 7:11 pm

In Phoenix, Arizona, Louis and Estelvina Rodriguez were arrested for keeping their 5-year-old twin sons locked in cages filled with roaches, feces, and urine. More haunting than the idea that these children suffered under terrible living conditions is the fact that this stemmed, apparently, from their father’s condition at 69 years of age. Simple arithmetic leads to the image of a 64-year-old man in the throes of an act so egregious that it warrants a ban in the form of a constitutional amendment. One has to wonder at the likelihood that the Rodriguez children will not suffer from any long-lasting ill-effects of their years of imprisonment, or the painful teenage realization that their father was over 60 when they were conceived.

Similarly miniscule is the probability that none of the children of Heol Tregonning, Llanelli, South Wales will require counseling for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after watching a man bite the head off of a kitten. Only slightly better are the chances that they may benefit from sadomasochism hypnotherapy, pioneered by Ai Aoyama, a former club dominatrix turned mental health counselor.

Sadomasochistic hypnotherapy’s existence may owe a great deal to the failure of relatively simple forms of classic therapy. Pouch Cove, Newfoundland organizers did their best to gather 4,703 people in an effort to break the Guinness world record for the largest group hug, but their best was not enough. Instead, they amassed 69 people. Congratulations…


Danger comes in many forms…

Filed under: — site admin @ 4:25 pm

Barry Davis, of West Bend, Wisconsin was charged with operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated. In West Bend, and possibly for Davis himself, arrests for drunk driving are common, but not when the driver is operating a riding lawn mower. The results of this case could interfere with the time-honored Wisconsin tradition of drinking beer at all times.

Much more likely to convert high blood alcohol levels into destructive mayhem are powerboat drivers, but rarely do they do so on roadways, as occured in Davidson, North Carolina when a powerboat and its three occupants flew aloft and struck a car driving on Interstate 77.

One should not truly count another out until one has, at the very least, checked for a pulse. Nguyen Van Quan, pronounced dead from heart failure after staff at Nguyen Tri Phuong hospital in Hanoi, Vietnam tried for 30 minutes to resuscitate him, spent seven hours in the morgue before being picked up by his family for burial. When hospital officials removed the blanket covering him, they realized that he was alive.

Be wary of the elderly being written off, as they may soon become killer robots. A joint-venture of several Tokyo companies will begin marketing a robot suit next year. The suit detects electric signals from the user’s muscles and, using an on-board computer, determines the appropriate motion, allowing the user to walk, or fall and break a hip, as if under their own power.


Never say that we aren’t a source of innovation…

Filed under: — site admin @ 7:11 pm

In an act of criminal inspiration, two teenagers, dressed as clowns, performed for the 20 passengers of a small bus near Mexico City’s airport and subsequently robbed them. Sadly, the duo did not evade capture, as they were dressed as clowns.

Police in Silverton, Oregon inspected the house of Norman Gould, a 26-year-old man arrested on explosives charges, and discovered several more explosive devices. During the time-consuming removal of the explosives from his home, Gould, locked in a police car, complained of being hot. Officers opened the window between the front and rear seats to allow cool air through, affording Gould the opportunity to climb through the aperture and steal the car. As of this writing, he is still at large.

Somewhat similar in nature, but far less intentional, Gilles Francoeur of St-Jerome, Quebec drove at speed through a group of 50 people. One of the crowd-members remained lodged in Francoeur’s windshield for nearly an hour before police forced Francoeur to the side of the road. It is important to note that Francoeur was both drunk and 59 years of age. Francoeur will remain jailed until his initial trial appearance, as the crowd-member was killed and several others injured.

Francoeur, if aquitted, could consider suing the manufacturers of alcohol and automobiles. Kevin Presland, of Sydney, Australia managed to net an award of $300,000 as a result of the supposed negligence demonstrated by Doctor Jacob Nazarian in allowing Presland to leave, rather than holding him against his will. The release of Presland afforded him the opportunity to murder his brother’s fiancee, for which he was aquitted, due to his psychotic state.

No jury would convict any New Yorker for violently rectifying the mephitic stupidity of city meter-maids who wrote parking tickets while nearby citizens directed traffic to relieve congestion during the blackout. The opportunistic parking-vultures looked on as volunteers relieved the gridlock, were photographed doing so, and then drove off. The New York Police Department refused to comment without first seeing copies of the tickets and refused to check police records to determine if any tickets were issued after the blackout began.


Avoid all mechanical devices…

Filed under: — site admin @ 3:40 pm

Perhaps somewhat more excitement than carnival patrons were expecting, Doug McKay, owner of the Super Loop 2, became an unwilling participant in his own ride while attempting to spray lubricant on the track, when a passing ride-car caught his long hair and pulled him 40 feet off the ground before dropping him on a fence, killing him.

Perhaps given more time to contemplate the particulars of his situation, Hitoshi Nikaidoh, a surgical resident at Christus St. Joseph Hospital in Houston was pinned between the quick-closing doors of a hospital elevator and beheaded as the elevator car moved upwards. A hospital employee witnessed the incident from within the elevator, and was trapped for 20 minutes until firefighters were able to free her. Take the stairs…

Devolving at this rate, humanity has 37 days remaining…

Filed under: — site admin @ 2:47 pm

Demonstrating the efficiency of a modern democratic republic, the government of Bosnia will soon instate a law outlawing blond jokes under the guise of gender equality. “The new law on gender equality would enable blonde women to sue anyone who tells jokes that offend them, even if those jokes were just based on the colour of their hair.” With any luck, the paperwork required to file a lawsuit will prove too confusing for the plaintiffs in question.

Pedomorphic stupidity is not just restricted to those with fair features, as demonstrated by Leandro Luis Sao Pedro, an escaped prisoner from Valparaiso prison in Sao Paulo who secured a job driving a prison bus. He was apprehended by authorities on his first day on the job.

Nearly as clever, a Norwegian man learned of his pending surprise party and decided to turn the joke on his friends by firing a shotgun into the air when they arrived. Everything went to plan until he came out from his hiding place and tripped, causing the gun to go off a second time, wounding six party-goers.

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